In the process of growing up, I’ve been getting myself so strung up on being the type of person that every likes. The type of person that has common interests with everyone and the type of person that can relate with everyones nerdy habits. 

I’ve been trying so hard to be liked by finding out my friends interests and likes, learning about it so that when they’re excitingly talking about said subject and I can quickly reply with a ” I know!” Or ” I feel the same way!” Because it avoided controversity and gave me and that person a common ground that we can work on building up something together. 

But this is exhausting, because whatever passion for what ever subject they have, I won’t. And no amount of studying, reading, and watching the same things they do, will ever give me that passion they have. And in the end it ultimately just makes me ” Fake” 

I’m trying hard to be the person people WANT to or expect to be. (Talking personality wise and not life goal wise)

I’ve liked this guy from a college I went to, took a year off of moved away, moved back and will be attending again. And have been notoriously stalking his facebook just to find out about his likes and dislikes, what he’s interested in, what kind of stuff he likes to do and the people he associates himself with. All in the goal so that I can be that woman who he’s attracted to. So that I can be everything he wants in a women. 

Being me, of course I could accomplish that task. I’ve been acting my whole life in making people(Most just my family members) believe that I’m something I’m not. Making them believe that I am understanding of all the idiotic and self problematic faults that they themselves bring into their lives. Acting like I care and acting like I actually want to help. 

I can change my self entirely and be the woman of his dreams, but all this would lead me is a sad life where he would love the person that I created, and not the person that is ME. I know I have a complex where if I like someone, I make it my mission to make them mine. It’s a challenge and my favorite kind. But always, once I’ve caught them, once I’ve made them fall madly in love with me where they don’t even dream about another woman but me, can’t even be AROUSED by another women BUT me. I get bored. 

Too easy, no challenge. They fell into my trap at first sight and were eaten up by just one meeting. And the rest is just a game of digestion tomfoolery until I final become bored of them and make my bowel movement purge of them away from me. 

This, I’m just now realizing, will never find me love. Only constant sadness of having a significant other, then not having one, then having one again. I have yet to be truly in love, but I have no problem telling the current guy I’m with that I’m am with them. Solely for the fact that they’ll continue to tell me how wonderful and perfect I am and feed obese narcissistic ego that keeps me feeling that I am better then everyone else and that people should want to be me. 

I’m only 20 and I’m tired of this game, I haven’t even dated as many guys as people might think I have, and I’m tired. 

I just want to fall in love. 

I just want to be myself, and find a man who loves me for my self. Not who I’m pretending to be, not the appearence I purposely portrait to attract the attention of any guy or gal I pass. 

But the horrible, morbid, narcissistic, cruel, indifferent, Generally nice and carefree person that is 

ME. 

And no one else.

I don’t want to become like my biological family members who’ve have more “Lovers” and partners then they can count on both my hands and theirs. 

My new family, specifically my new sister. Mocks me for my virginity (Virginity for lack of penetration, but not virginity of sexual acts with another person) I chose not to have sex with the guys I’ve dated before soely because I’m a picky bitch. I want to make sure I like that person I’m meeting and getting know for their personality FIRST and then move on to getting to know what pleasures they prefer and how to please them  (And how to please my self with them <3). And if I can’t get past step one, I’ll never move onto step two. ( I dated a guy for just about 3 years, we did do sexual acts, only when we first started dating, but never had sex)

While my sister, even though the act turned out for the better for her. Had fucked her fiance before the two of them were even dating. While she did know what she did was wrong and was expecting the worse outcome in the end, everything turn out the better for her and I commend their relationship. 

But I know the situation won’t be the same for myself, and that I need to do things my own way instead of her insisted way. What I find worse is when they try to hook me up with their friends, which I can’t figure out why they think it will turn out for the better in the end. 

If I’ve meet said friend before, and did not have some of unknowningly attraction towards them in the first place. I won’t if other people try to force us together because our compatible appearences would be “cute” And for the most part, it’s offending. Offending that they believe that I am unable to find a partner for my self and that I need the assitance of another party to help me find a love. 

Regardless of this wall of text that no one is going to be other then the people on here who have too much time on their hands. 

I am done trying to be the image I believe people would like for me to be. To be that person some people strive to be. And to be the ideal mate of the person I’m attracted to.

I’m just going to be my self, to act like my self, to dress like my self, to flaunt my hobbies and interests proudly even if the party I’m around has no interest or knowledge of that subject at all. This is my new challenge, to find the person who wants this person that I am and no one else. 

And for myself to like that person for the person they really are and no one else. 

The challenge will be killing old automatic habits, but it will be something to spice up my mundane life of dicking around on the internet until I eventually fall asleep. 

I honestly cannot wait to start college up again. 

Not sleeping to gain my creativity back. 

It’s upsetting to think that the only time I feel so alive is when I feel like my body is dying from exhaustion.

It’s like a sadistic natural drug.

I think my aunts on FB are trying to cockblock me. 

>:T

I hate that I like someone, but am not even in the same state as them. 

It’ll be 11 months until I’m able to move back, see him again, and get my flirt on. 

Hopefully he doesn’t get snatched up by then >:T (I can only hope u v u )